Chicken or the Egg

I don't know if the loneliness I blogged about earlier is a result of frustration, or if the frustration is a result of the loneliness. It's a bit like the question of which came first--the chicken or the egg.

I realized a few days ago that a year ago this week, my first significant relationship ended. With the naiveté of a teen-aged lover, I bought into the fantasy that "it" would last forever.

And because I have been unable to let go of that fantasy, I have suffered. What ticks me off more than anything is that I want to let go of the fantasy.

Fantasy-schmantacy! My cynic emerges from the ashes of my fantasy land. But instead of a beautiful phoenix all I have is this vulture that circles high above my dying life of dreams, hopes and desires.

And I am frustrated because I can't let my lover go. I've "moved on" but the presence of the loved one's influence is still there. It's still there because I still care. I still love. Human beings weren't made to turn love on and off.

I want to feel the same indifference that my lover apparently felt toward me. I want to understand. I want to have relief. And I probably won't, and as much as I want to "let go and let God," I realize the bitter irony of the cliché as it cuts through my own life experience.

When will this end? Why isn't a year long enough to get over a six month puppy love? Why? Why? Why?

Why am I so messed up?

Leona Lewis sings "I'm gonna smile because I deserve to...It'll be better in time"

But sometimes, my smiley-muscles ache.