Questions Are Many, Answers But a Few.

I have a very distinct need for uncertainty. However, I also feel the tug between uncertainty and the desire to know what I want.

I don't know whether this conflict is due to living in the closet for so many years or if it's just a common condition to all of mankind. I have a suspicion that it is more of the latter than the former.

In some areas of life, I am confident and I know exactly what I want. In others, I don't know what I want. Or I know what I want, but I second-guess my desires. It really is a fear of what others think, or what I think they think. Why is it so important? Why do I fear so much the disapproval of other people who are no more enlightened than I am?

How can I bring the same level of authenticity to the uncertain areas of my life as I have in the areas over which I exercise complete clarity and peace?

Perhaps it's taking my own advice that awareness is the first step. Perhaps asking these questions begins the process. And perhaps the next step is loving myself enough to say, "the choices I make based on the desires that I have are good for me despite what anyone thinks."

What Do You Want?

"Mom," I called out. No response.

"Mom!" Again. Nothing.

"Mother!" More emphatic this time.

Finally, "Judy! Your child is trying to talk to you!"

My mom's head snapped up from the task before here. Now, fully attentive. "What do you want?"

My lips began to quiver. "Your son is eating your plant." Sniff. "I tried to call you, but you weren't paying attention."

NOTE: This story is true. (My mom's real name isn't Judy, though). My baby brother really was eating the plant.

Life's Requisition: What Do You Want?

What do you want? Has Life ever asked you this question?

"I wish I had a house!"

"I wish I had a better job!"

"I wish my 'soulmate' would show up?"

"When? When? When?"

Your heart's desire is always before you and me. We just cannot see it. In order to obtain that which we desire most, we must let go of what we do not want. You see, what we desire is always there in front of us.

Huh? Let me explain.

Your Blindspots

I have a friend who wants to find a girlfriend more than anything. She's lonely, and tired of waiting. She wants God's best and is still willing to wait, but it has become a burden. She's so lonely and yearns for companionship. She's depressed and discouraged.

Sadly, like so many of us, my friend has a blind spot. She is focused on the desire for what she wants, that she doesn't know what it is she really wants. Over the last year or so, I have seen several wonderful people enter her life. They develop close friendships. She gives her heart to each relationship by encouraging them and edifying them in their walk with God.

She's there to lend an ear when they need to vent. It doesn't matter the time of day or night that they call, she's always available for her hurting friends. And she is gifted. God has blessed her with incredible talents of discernment and she is able to offer practical, godly advice to those who are struggling through life.

Again and again, I've seen those to whom she ministers benefit from her guidance. I've seen them grow and mature. I've seen them flourish as they seek after God. As the relationships grow, many of these people seek to give back to my friend. They long to encourage her as she has encouraged them. They start to draw closer.

And that's when it happens. My friend inadvertently withdraws. She is suddenly not as available, while always insisting that she's there for them "whenever you need me." Friendships that were once warm and a safe haven, become filled with brief, every "once in a while" encounters, characterized by cliche-laden interchanges.

"Hey. How are you?"

"Fine. You?"

"Fine."

"What're you up to?"

"Nothin much. What's new?"

"Not much."

Silence (often painful).

"Ok, well, um...ok, I guess I'll talk to you later."

"Ok. Call any time."

What Do You See?

Maybe you recognize this pattern in some of your relationships. It's uncomfortable to think about and really look for our blindspots. But don't run from them. Seek them out and resolve the underlying issues.

Whatever fear it is (intimacy, hurt, betrayal, vulnerability) that causes you to turn away, will restrain you from what you truly desire (intimacy, relationship, love, acceptance).

Recognizing your blind spots and determining what it is that has caused them is the only sure path toward obtaining a clear and unobstructed view of what you truly want.

This is a difficult and rigorous process for most of us, but the payout is worth the effort. For as you eliminate the blind spots of your personality, character and habit patterns, you often find that what you truly desire is right in front of you.

NOTE: The story of my "friend" recounted in this post is a composite to make a point.