The Uneasy Ceasefire

In the previous post, I wrote about being at peace with singleness....for now. It's more like an uneasy ceasefire. In my better times, I dream. I dream of what life can be. I dream of who I can be. I dream of sharing it all with a partner. I dream of perfection--not that either of us is perfect--but that the relationship we share fills and fulfills us. I dream.

And then in the darker times, I fear. I fear that I will never experience the life I dream of. I fear that I won't know the joy and love that I dream of. I fear that I will never be the person I know I can be. I fear that I will never share life with the partner I have dreamed of.

I want to live from my dreams. I want to let my fears slowly dissolve away and let the sun rise on my dreams and show me the life that I have imagined laid out before me. I dream and I fear. But more than both, I hope.

Why Am I Afraid to Live?

Why is it that I fear the only thing I truly desire--my own happiness? What causes me to create my dreams and then fear their achievement so much that I'm willing to sit by as my mind deconstructs them with thoughts of inadequacies and failures that have yet to occur?

A friend said something tonight that struck me. He said, "It's the easiest way...to stand still."

I disagreed with him. Standing still is not the easiest way. It's not even the most comfortable. But it is the most comforting. Standing still allows me to play victim (to other people or to circumstances). Standing still lets me feel pitiful and therefore important (to myself at least).

The truth is momentum is the easiest way of life. Living--as an action verb--is the most comfortable way to be. Yet so few of us practice living. Most of us are so conditioned to be comforted with our own dream-dashing, that we fail to live the life we were meant to live.

What I am realizing:

We fear to live the life we dream, so we fail to live the life that is more than we can dream.