Only Believe

When I first realized that I had been dangerously hood-winked by my society, church, family and spiritual leaders regarding my own sexuality, I determined to really consider closely some beliefs and behaviors that I'd easily taken for granted before. As I began to question my beliefs and all I'd been taught, fear started to seep in.

What if I'm wrong?

Are they really right, and I've missed the boat?

Had God given up on me and turned me over to the dreaded "reprobate mind"?

Am I purposely deceiving myself so I can do whatever I want? (I don't think I am...I mean, I really don't want to fool myself. I really want to know the truth.)

Over and over again, those fears and second-guessings sat themselves down on my shoulders and whispered fear in my ears. Again and again, they brought to mind scriptures that I knew well --and that had at one time been a comfort and stability to me--and castigated me with them.

I was going crazy. I had to know the truth. My restoration began in the form of a simple, four-word prayer: Lord, show me truth.

And He did. As I prayed this prayer over and over, with a pure heart, He opened my understanding and spoke peace to my heart. The enemy still challenged me, questioning every sweet assurance that my Father whispered to me.

But I chose to believe. I was practicing a biblical principle at the time, I just didn't realize it. Ask with faith...and do not waver (that's my paraphrase).

What's my point? God can show us truth. His Holy Spirit can confirm it to our hearts, but we are responsible to believe.

Sweet Surrender

(Listen to the words of this song as you read this post and allow them to minister to your heart. See if you too, don't find comfort and courage in the idea of surrender.)

Commitment for me has always come from the idea of "leave and cleave" that is derived from the Scriptures. Embedded in the context of the idea of commitment is the idea of holding on--of clasping the object of love.

But I have seen the love of Christ expressed recently in my life, and it has challenged what I have always believed of commitment.

It seems that the commitment most of us believe in is the selfish idea where "I" commit my life to "you." Why do I say selfish when it seems that the exact opposite is true? Because, by 'committing' to you in the traditional sense of the idea, I am trusting you to hold me and to care for me and to nurture me.

I have realized that within the context of relationship, only Christ can fill this role. It is true that He often uses those closest to us to demonstrate His love, but He alone fills the role of lover, friend and Lord. When we depend on one another and need each other to fill His role, we fail each other and ourselves. To the extent that I love you as Christ loves you, I am able to be His vessel for service in your life.

The greatest sign of commitment in the Garden of Gethsemane was when Christ prayed a prayer of surrender, "Nevertheless, not my will..."

But loving means letting go. Letting go of my hopes for who you are to me and who you will become to me. Letting go of my desires for future happiness. Loving means trusting, and that's scary.

We are conditioned to possess one another. "Normal" relationship means that you are my girlfriend or my boyfriend. Commitment is not so much about "cleaving" to you, but it is about resigning my claim to you. It is about trusting Christ to be your comforter and caregiver at every stage of relationship. And that is difficult.

But I am finding strength and comfort in surrender. I am learning courage at the hand of dependence. And when all is said and done, there is one truth. Christ alone is Lord. And that's enough. I trust.

I Surrender All