Loneliness

Bleh!

Sometimes life is just like that.

This post might (most likely will) meander a bit since my mind is a bit unfocused and "bleh".

The past few weeks have been a struggle, honestly. Off and on, I've just been attacked by loneliness. I know you all can probably commiserate.

The key (they say) is to not resist what is, and to allow it to be. Bull-honkey!

Ok, so "they" are probably right, but how can I not resist the loneliness? Doesn't "not resisting" become the act of resisting the resistance? (Sounds circular to me). And that's how it feels---my mind, emotions and personal will in a giant toilet bowl swirling toward the inevitable whoosh through the drain and into the sewer of life.

Ok, so I'm being a bit melodramatic and perhaps a bit drama queen-ish. None of this takes away from the reality of the intensity of the deep feeling of loneliness. It really is like a dementor (if you've read Harry Potter) sucking the life and energy from my soul.

I know what it is. I know what it's doing. Yet I feel powerless to stop it from siphoning the life from me. All the while I'm conscious that I am not powerless and should be able to change the feelings I have. And that makes me even more frustrated.

So...am I just crazy?

No. I'm human. And I guess I'm ok with that. I'm ok.

Solitary Confinement

The other evening, I was in the grocery store after work. As I roamed through the aisles, I saw several gay couples shopping together. And it just hit me--I want that. I was suddenly very aware of my singleness. Now I'm not complaining, because it is the choice I made for this time in my life. But I was still very acutely aware of the sense of "aloneness" at that moment.

But a neat thing happened almost as suddenly. The feeling of being single did not dissipate. It was still there, but I became aware of my control of the situation. I wanted to be in a relationship so badly. I realized how much I want a life-long committed relationship to be my life, and at the same time, I realized that now was not the right timing for me.

But I experienced hope in that moment. Hope for what the future can and will be. And that is exciting. It is encouraging because I've been doing alot of soul-searching recently. I've been thinking alot about what I want in my life and what I want my life to look like.

And I admit, part of me was afraid that I couldn't commit and that what I truly wanted, I could never be stable enough to have. But at the store, in that moment, I experienced a sense of peace that what I truly desire, I will one day have. Just not today. Someday I will be prepared to enter a fulfilling and healthy relationship. Until the time that I am ready and able to make that commitment, I remain in a sort of solitary confinement and dream for the day when I will walk out into freedom.