Awareness--Always the Beginning

I can no longer remain as I once was. I can no longer live in the shadows. I have become too big for this box.

This was part of my inaugural post on this blog nearly two years ago. I had just come out for the very first time.

Much has happened in the intervening time. I did not post again until just recently. I have grown so much. I have experienced so much. I have transformed, yet I find myself with this same sentiment at a completely different crossroads.

An interesting phenomenon has occurred in my soul and I stand again at the precipice of a deep yet narrow divide between comfort zone and stability. Over the last two years, I have worked to develop authenticity. It has been a challenge, after decades of wandering in the shadow lands, creating facades and impressions, instead of relationship and fellowship.

As I have embraced truth for myself and become the person God created me to be, I realize that the matrix is so much more developed than even I had imagined, and I am much further embedded in the web of my own illusions than I care to admit--or that I am conscious to admit.
However, I am aware now. And that is the beginning. Awareness is always the beginning. It's the 'red' pill that shows us what really is. And when we realize that ceasing to struggle is the power to be, then life becomes more than we had ever dreamed it could be.

And in so many ways, I am meeting myself for the very first time. The real me. The me that wants to paint, though I haven't since I was a child. The me who thinks it would be fun to be a confection chef because I like to make cookies and brownies. The me that I never allowed to be because I was so enamored with the me that I had created.

And so, how deep will the rabbit hole go? And where will it lead? Questions that I no longer need answers to...sometimes.
A shift has occurred in my psyche. The answers are unimportant because the outcome is irrelevant. My commitment is not to the results but to the process. By embracing this constant, I trust--without doubt--that I will arrive at my destination.

"There is no spoon!"

Out From Behind the Closet Doors

Like so many, I grew up taught to believe that homosexuality is sin. It is implied that it is a cardinal sin. A sin worse than almost any others. It is rarely spoken of, and never addressed in a clear and truthful way. So, in a sense, the unwillingness of the parents to deal truthfully with an uncomfortable situation, creates the walls and doors of the closets of their children.

So to break open the doors of the closet created for me, I have to become transparent. First, to myself and then to others. Life is too precious and short to live in untruth and the haggle over whether my identity can be validated by those currently in my life.

There is pain, but I must grow. I must continue on. God is my validation and not another man. Each of us has a holy calling to live our lives as the best example of God's love and life. (II Timothy 1:9)

Therefore, I can no longer remain as I once was. I can no longer live in the shadows. I have become too big for this box. The Light within me is too bright for the shadows that once surrounded me.