That Terrifying Truth

I was talking with a friend this week and I asked him how he was doing. He said that he was unable to relax. He expressed alot of anxiety or uncertainty. I can certainly identify. I think that we all can.

But as we were talking he used an adjective that I found interesting. Terrifying.

I have also become familiar with this word--specifically as it relates to living a life of authenticity and truthfulness. Why?

When you've lived so long--ten, twenty, thirty or more years--without ever being completely honest or when you've lived behind a maze of mirages and carefully constructed facades, then authenticity truly can be terrifying.

Intimacy--allowing yourself to be known--is scary. This is a challenge for all people, but it is an especially uncertain experience for those just experiencing it for the first time.

In the Fellowship of the Rings, the first movie of the trilogy, the hobbits are making their way on the journey when they suddenly stop. It hits them what a momentous task has been handed them. One of them makes a statement that has stuck with me.

He says, "when I take another step, it will be the furthest that I've ever gone."

Like any new experience, honesty is a process. Engage in it step by step. As you do, the old smoke and mirror illusions will collapse faster and faster. This is scary, but continue on. The rewards are well worth the loss--which is the true fallacy. There is no loss, only truth. It is just the sense of loss of a false self that terrifies us.

And then all of a sudden, on your journey, you'll realize, "when I take another step, it will be the furthest I've ever gone."

Awareness--Always the Beginning

I can no longer remain as I once was. I can no longer live in the shadows. I have become too big for this box.

This was part of my inaugural post on this blog nearly two years ago. I had just come out for the very first time.

Much has happened in the intervening time. I did not post again until just recently. I have grown so much. I have experienced so much. I have transformed, yet I find myself with this same sentiment at a completely different crossroads.

An interesting phenomenon has occurred in my soul and I stand again at the precipice of a deep yet narrow divide between comfort zone and stability. Over the last two years, I have worked to develop authenticity. It has been a challenge, after decades of wandering in the shadow lands, creating facades and impressions, instead of relationship and fellowship.

As I have embraced truth for myself and become the person God created me to be, I realize that the matrix is so much more developed than even I had imagined, and I am much further embedded in the web of my own illusions than I care to admit--or that I am conscious to admit.
However, I am aware now. And that is the beginning. Awareness is always the beginning. It's the 'red' pill that shows us what really is. And when we realize that ceasing to struggle is the power to be, then life becomes more than we had ever dreamed it could be.

And in so many ways, I am meeting myself for the very first time. The real me. The me that wants to paint, though I haven't since I was a child. The me who thinks it would be fun to be a confection chef because I like to make cookies and brownies. The me that I never allowed to be because I was so enamored with the me that I had created.

And so, how deep will the rabbit hole go? And where will it lead? Questions that I no longer need answers to...sometimes.
A shift has occurred in my psyche. The answers are unimportant because the outcome is irrelevant. My commitment is not to the results but to the process. By embracing this constant, I trust--without doubt--that I will arrive at my destination.

"There is no spoon!"

Sex!

It's one of our favorite topics to discuss, so I'm letting you know that I'll be delving in to this topic soon. I'm going to continue blogging about relationships. I'm actually in the middle of a larger project on this subject, and I'm going to include some of those musings as well.

But recently, a friend challenged me in the area of sex. So, I'm going to cover it. I know you may not agree with my ideas or stance, but I'm going to try to be as honest as possible as I really look into this issue more carefully.

I hope that if nothing more, my thoughts will challenge you to look at your own beliefs regarding sex. Through the discussion, I pray that I will draw closer to Christ and that I will be able to grow and be more authentic.

Keep your eyes peeled (or pealed)! :)

Authentic Relationship

What is an authentic relationship? Is it vulnerability? Transparency? Good communication? Clear expectations? These are sometimes considered components of proper relationship, but I believe the bedrock of a proper relationship is something altogether different. The truth might surprise you.

Relationships make up our human experience. We have relationships with every person in our lives; yet we also relate to animals and things, as well as, our environment. Why is it then, that most of us have such unhealthy habit patterns when it comes to the relationships that make up our lives?

It is because we have learned to relate according to a certain pattern. We have been conditioned to interact with one another in a specific way and according to specific codes of conduct.

Sadly, most of us go through the same patterns over and over again, and still we lack awareness of our own behavior. Even if we are self-aware, we often lack the experience, example and models that are required to produce happiness through healthy and fulfilling relationships. Because of our desire to feel love and be connected, we seek safety and fulfillment in another person. And so we take our same pattern of habits into the highly emotionalized environment of a romantic relationship. We do our best, but obstacles soon show up, and because we do not have the proper experience, practice and tools, we become bogged down in the battle to overcome the obstacles and make the relationship "work."

Soon, the challenges we face are so overwhelming and we are so emotionally invested in the relationship that we do not know where to turn or how to continue. At this point, in an effort to relieve the anxiety and stress of the relationship, we retreat—either by actually leaving the relationship or by withdrawing into ourselves and putting up barriers to protect ourselves. This is not the path to authentic relationship.

How can we begin to become aware of our patterns and change our habits when there are so many barriers within us? It is impossible. In my experience, authenticity starts with the relationship between the soul of man or woman and their Creator. Only, then can one have a proper relationship to self. When you and I are in proper relationship with the Source of life, then we can develop a proper sense of relationship to self.

We learned to relate to everything in our world by the training of those around us and by our own experience. You have the choice to craft your own life when it comes to relationships, but you must learn these new principles in the same way—exposure to them and application of them.

Over the next several posts, I plan to blog about the keys to authenticity in relationship. All of these principles, I have learned from others, but they do come from my own experience as well. Take a look at these thoughts and see what resonates with your own understanding and experience.

Out From Behind the Closet Doors

Like so many, I grew up taught to believe that homosexuality is sin. It is implied that it is a cardinal sin. A sin worse than almost any others. It is rarely spoken of, and never addressed in a clear and truthful way. So, in a sense, the unwillingness of the parents to deal truthfully with an uncomfortable situation, creates the walls and doors of the closets of their children.

So to break open the doors of the closet created for me, I have to become transparent. First, to myself and then to others. Life is too precious and short to live in untruth and the haggle over whether my identity can be validated by those currently in my life.

There is pain, but I must grow. I must continue on. God is my validation and not another man. Each of us has a holy calling to live our lives as the best example of God's love and life. (II Timothy 1:9)

Therefore, I can no longer remain as I once was. I can no longer live in the shadows. I have become too big for this box. The Light within me is too bright for the shadows that once surrounded me.