Embracing Grace

I use Google Reader to keep up with several blogs that I like to read. One of the ones that I've found interesting is Eugene's blog entitled Paradoxy. What a great title for a blog describing the growth it takes to reconcile one's sexuality and Christian faith.

Several of his recent posts are pertinent to the conversation I've been having on (and off) this blog. In the post entitled Total Surrender, he talks about legalism in the context of normal human nature.

This is a fascinating idea, because I just finished reading the biography of Jay Bakker (son of Tammy Faye and Jim Bakker), Son of a Preacher Man. In it, he describes what happened to his parents in the 1980's. What struck me, though, was the way that his dad's poor choices seemed to be "preyed upon" by other up- and-coming preachers, who turned out to be the bulwark of the Christian Right, the Moral Majority and modern evangelicalism.

Many of these men, and pastors across the country who took their cues from them, openly ridiculed and mocked the Bakkers during their time of greatest personal suffering (both personal and private). They used their pulpits as literal bully-pulpits, instead of pronouncing the amazing grace of God--God our Father and Redeemer!

It's interesting to see the inherent need we humans have for creating "rules, boundaries, and concrete structure." Eugene goes on to point out that this tendency extends to an attempt to manipulate others to comply and follow the rules.

In his book, Jay tells about the weight of this manipulation by godly, well-intentioned people, after he began his return to God. Attempting to lay aside the bitterness and hatred that he'd harbored all through his teenaged years, he found that when he came back to the church as a wounded and hurting spirit, he still could not "measure up" under the expectations of others.

But then he experienced God's grace! Jay says that before that time it had been "nothing more than a song." Grace truly is amazing.

Yet it's a fearful thing. It requires complete trust--the kind of trust that is the only way-maker for the true lordship of Christ in a believer's life.

But how do we switch from the way we've been taught to live, and embrace God's grace? That is the question Eugene addresses in the subsequent post called, Freedom in Practice. If grace is Christ's example, how do we follow it in "real life," especially when most everyone who's maintaining the spiritual status quo will probably separate themselves from us?

You see, when you grow in grace, it makes me uncomfortable, because you are alive and you are growing. I am made aware of my lack of growth, and I will respond one of two ways: either I will embrace your growth, become your cheerleader and will begin a revival in my own soul. Or, I will despise your growth because I am embarrassed of my own shortcoming, I will seek for a way to slow or stop your growth; and when that fails, I will alienate you.

But grace is the "gift of God." It's the way of salvation ("by grace you are saved through faith"). Grace is "while we were still sinners, Christ died for us".

Sometimes we forget. But grace is the gift. We either embrace it or we can reject it. We either embrace His love and offer it to others, or we withhold it from them because we cannot receive it ourselves.

Rules! Rules! Rules!

As I've shared on this blog, I've wrestled a bit with the balance between holiness and its practical application in everyday life--specifically when it comes to the subject of sex.

Raising the Questions
When I came out, for the first time, I realized that I needed to really think about what I believed about sex. What were my convictions? What would be my guidelines?

How do I set boundaries? Are they important? Why? For most around me, these questions are kin to heresy. GASP How can you question boundaries when it comes to sex? The prevailing thought seemed to be "stay away...far, far away!" And that is just how I'd been raised as a child of conservative evangelicalism.

For the first time in my life, I needed more. I had to have a better understanding. Because I wanted to know, "What does God think?" and "What does God expect from me?"

As I've walked this road over the past 2 years or so, I've made some decisions that I wish I had made differently. I've made others for which I'm thankful. But as I continue to weigh these tough ideas, I am struck by the balance of sin versus grace. The Apostle Paul seemed to be thinking of this same idea when he said, "Should I sin that grace might abound?" (loose paraphrase of KJV)

"God forbid." In other words, "absolutely not!"

Yet grace is a "many-splendored" thing. So I ask myself, Why do I feel compelled to create rules for myself? Why do I need definite "black and white", "yes or no" rules?

What Does God Expect?
An honest heart more than an outward show.

Then Samuel said, Do you think all God wants are sacrifices - empty rituals just for show? He wants you to listen to him! Plain listening is the thing, not staging a lavish religious production. (I Samuel 15:22 The Message)

A just, merciful, humble and loving heart.

But he's already made it plain how to live, what to do, what God is looking for in men and women. It's quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor, be compassionate and loyal in your love, And don't take yourself too seriously - take God seriously. (Micah 6:8 The Message)

Pursuit of His heart.

And loving him with all passion and intelligence and energy, and loving others as well as you love yourself. Why, that's better than all offerings and sacrifices put together!" When Jesus realized how insightful he was, he said, "You're almost there, right on the border of God's kingdom." After that, no one else dared ask a question. (Mark 12:33-34 The Message)

But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. (Matthew 6:33 KJV)

So why am I compelled to create rules, measures and judgements of my holiness? I've come to the conclusion that it's not for God's sake, but for my own. And perhaps that is the most sinful thing of all.

For it is really my selfish and self-centered attempts to do something for God. God does not require that I do something for Him, but that I become something for His glory. When I am seeking to do something for God, the only result is my own glorification (i.e. "Look what I have done. Look at how 'holy' I am!").

Holiness is something I am, not something I do. It is not just having a "form" of godliness without the power of God's Spirit within me, but it is becoming Christlike through the work of God's Holy Spirit.

If I am struggling to become Christlike, it is because I am struggling, not God.

The Less-Traveled Path

Asking Questions About Sexual Ethics
Ok, a friend recently asked me a question in regards to the "sex before marriage" issue.

I wanted to pose the same question to you, my readers, and hopefully get you thinking.

His question was, "so do you and 'significant other' have any boundaries or guidelines?"

So, I'm asking you. Do you have specific rules you adhere to when it comes to sex/physical affection before marriage?

For example, do you actually have a list of "I won't do X and Y, but Z is ok?" If you have such rules, what is the basis of them?

Have you actually thought through the "whys" of your convictions regarding this issue? If so, what did you learn about yourself as you asked these questions?

Do you develop sexual ethics to help you determine what is right? (For example, respect for yourself and your partner, honesty with yourself and God, accountability to your commitments, etc)

If you have such a personal ethic code what have you based it on? Do you take into account your experiences when processing and addressing this issue?

I know they are alot of questions, but they are some of those that were spawned in my mind after talking to my friend and they're ones that I'm revisiting within the context of a relationship now...and that has obviously helped to inform my thinking.

The Tension between Value-based Living and Regulation
Recently, the same friend asked me, "so, do you have any answers?"

Tough question.

For me, a healthy, yet sometimes uncomfortable tension has developed between the 'rules' or 'boundaries' I would set for myself and the desire to live by a more fundamental ethical code. This idea for me is rooted in the philosophy of Stephen Covey in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. In this book, Mr. Covey emphasizes that the basis of our lives (in business and relationship) should be fundamental principles that do not change with circumstances.

For example, authenticity is always healthy. Honesty can be damaging at times. Now, I'm not playing semantics in relativity with you. And I'm not stating that you should become a liar when honesty doesn't work for you.

What I am stating is that respect for self and others, authenticity, and compassion are some of the fundamental qualities that do not change with circumstance. There is value in living according to an unchanging value system.

The Less-Traveled Path
The primary value that I see is that living by a strong value system spawns the exercise of courage and the growth of character. When you and I decide to live with authenticity, we learn not to compromise. When we embrace compassion, we honor others, yet still act with courage to take action when a strong word or strong action is the compassionate thing to do.

The second benefit I see is the suppression of ego and personal pride. In order to be truly authentic, respect myself and others and honor them, I must choose not to do what is easy or pleasant, but what is right (for self and others). It's a difficult path to tread sometimes, but it's the less-traveled path.