Desire (Not the Streetcar)

The heart’s desire. What is it that my heart truly desires?

All of my life, there has been a sense of “not enough”. A desire for more. And I often wondered if this yearning would ever be satiated. Would the feeling of lack ever be assuaged? Would the feeling that there is something still to be achieved ever be filled?

I had become gripped by this sense of incompleteness until it became normal.

And then last week, I had a eureka moment! I suddenly saw my desire as a gift from the hand of God.

Scripture says that He gives us the “desire of our hearts”. And I had often recognized Him as the source of my desires. But I had always equated my desires with my ambitions.

Last week I recognized the gift of the desire itself. The desire to achieve a goal—the ambition, the drive—is the gift. The motivation to achieve comes from the hand of God.

When we surrender to His direction with childlike trust, we are able to walk in faith, and fear is abolished. When we trust, we surrender and beauty begins to fill our lives. Happiness fills our days and contentment in the midst of uncertainty comforts and guides us.

(This post has not gone in the direction I had planned, but I think there’s some good here, so I’ll post again in a subsequent post more along the lines of what I’d originally intended)

The Love of God

I have accidentally fallen in love with Jesus Christ. Yet, the more I know about him, the less I feel like a "Christian".

This quote from Otrolado's latest post struck a chord with me. So succinct, yet so telling. When I look into Christ's face, I see in His eyes my own hipocracies and short-comings. Yet I do not see judgement or condemnation. Instead I find love. What amazing grace this is!

And it is in that love that I am healed and restored. And it is that love that I extend then to other people. And I am reminded that "nothing...shall separate us from the love of God."

The "Right One"

(I apologize in advance for the philosophical tone of this post...unless you enjoy philosophy. Then I hope you enjoy.)

How do you know if someone’s the “right one”?

Is it all luck? Is it some cosmic mix of luck, intervention by Providence and hard work? Or do you just “make it work” in whatever situation or relationship you find yourself?

Maybe we’re asking the wrong questions. Maybe we shouldn’t be asking these questions at all. Maybe we should be active in living the answers. Maybe.

I struggle to free myself from the tendency to jump into the “what ifs” and questions that lead to uncertainty and greater questioning.

The questions that we ask so often arise from our mind’s need to control our situations and circumstances. But control is something we feel, not something that is real. In reality, we have no control, but we do not want to admit this fact.

Instead, we create questions and formulas and protocols for finding the “right one.” The “right one” just is. In fact, all of life just is. There is no magic formula. There is no luck. There is. That’s all.

All that remains is acceptance.

Expectations, Assumptions and Communication

We are all so different. I know this is stating the obvious, but I was struck again last night with how distinctly different we all are as human beings. We think differently, process differently and communicate differently.

And the weird part is that I can't imagine being any different than I am. So it's hard to understand where another person is really coming from.

To throw more difficulty into the process, our minds create expectations and then assumptions based on our experiences. These often become roadblocks that blind us from objectivity.

So how can I break the power of my own assumptions and expectations? Well, I suppose the main way would be not to create them in the first place. That is an ongoing reconditioning, though. First, I have to be aware of when I have made the assumptions or expectations.

Awareness, for me, starts with listening. Awareness comes from truly hearing what is being said...in all forms of communication. But listening is not enough. I have to combine listening with a willingness to lay down my defenses and barriers. And that's the hardest part--to listen without formulating a counter or opposing point of view.

Here We Go Again...

What a difference a week makes! I just re-read the previous post entitled What is Love?

With that post, I feel like I may have jumped into the deep end of the pool. It's almost humorous. It is as if God is saying, "That's all great philosophy...but now let's see how you put it into practice!"

You see, I've been on a dating haitus. I decided I'm not going to get involved with anyone. I'm going to focus my energy on Christ and my relationship with Him. I also decided to focus my energy on really determining what it is that I want in my life as far as a partner is concerned.

Now for the context.

Last monday, a member of a forum I frequent contacted me. The other member lives in my city and we happened to be in the same part of town...actually about two blocks away, so I walked down the street and we met each other in person.

I wasn't thinking a thing. (Remember, dating was not in my "plan"?) So we chatted. We both grew up in the same denomination and so we shared our stories. And when the invitation to meet again later for dinner came, I went along without much of a thought. (I know...I'm a bit naive!)

Well...long story short, we've really kicked it off and have spent some time together over the last week. So what's wrong? Nothing...yet. I'm a bit cynical. I'm waiting for the shoe to drop.

The question that I'm faced with now is "what do we do now?" As I stated before, this was not part of my plan. I realize that the more I try not to fall, the harder I do. What's up with that?

So, what do I do now? I guess I go forward one moment at a time and take the time necessary to really get to know this person who seems to be so "perfect" now.

But there's part of me that seizes up and thinks, here we go again.

What is Love?

Along with learning to live well, learning to love is one of my primary goals.

But what is love? I've been asking this question for a few months since the dissolution of my last relationship. What is it that I really want?

Everyone is searching for love, yet we seem to know instinctively that it's really inside us. Still we seek for it everywhere. Will I know it when I find it? We wonder. Have I known true love in my life or is what I'm seeking even out there?

I've known my share of infatuations. I've felt in love. But I wonder if I've ever truly loved.

All of these uncertainties and questions cloud my view of what is or is not reality. Yet I know that for me, the major objective of my life is to love. And the more I tune in to what I instinctively know about love, the more I fight off the wolves of my own fear regarding this unknown wilderness.

It's the "...but what if...?" questions that get me.

True love is ever-expanding and unlimited. But what if no one returns my love?

Love is not a feeling or emotion it is a way of being. But what if I never feel loved?

Love is complete surrender. But what if someone takes advantage?

Love is absolute trust. But what if someone betrays that trust?

Love is defenseless and unconditional. But what if it is never returned?

Love is knowing all the questions and choosign to love anyway.

Living Well

One of my primary goals is to learn to live well.

Learning to live is a process. The only way to learn to live is to go through it. But to expand beyond existence to living--and living well--is a true challenge that requires focus and discipline.

My hope is that soon, the focus and discipline will create habits of what, at this point, seems unnatural and soon I will find myself living well, naturally.

At first, it seems like all work, but then there are small victories where I realize that I'm fulfilling my objective--through the process--and that I am living a well life.

It's then that I realize that I'm also experiencing happiness, joy and peace...and they all seem to be the byproducts of the effort I have exerted to learn how to live a well-lived life.

I find that living well is a daily--even momentary--choice. But it is worth the effort and the rewards are eternal.

Control vs. Direction

I started this set of posts on the mind and thoughts talking about how to control our thoughts;

I close it by dashing all hope. The mind is uncontrollable.

The more you try to control the mind, the more you focus your energy and time in the direction that your thoughts are focused.

If you are trying not to think about a certain subject, the effort of struggling against those thoughts ensures that you will focus exactly where you do not want to. This often leads us to feel despondent and depressed.

At the beginning, I said that there is no hope of controlling your mind or thoughts and this is true. There is hope however of directing your thoughts.

You are like the air controller holding the flashlights before the nose a giant 747. There is nothing in your power you can do to stop the advancement of the plane. If you struggle against it, you will be run over and crushed.

You can direct it, however. You have the power to use your emotions like signals and focus your thoughts to direct the power of your mind in the direction in which you would like to go.

So I have found that my thoughts have great power. They create or destroy but they are not me. And your thoughts are not you. They are just patterns and habits that can be changed and refocused.

And this is encouraging. It is true power--if we have the discipline and energy to use it. The key is focus, focus, focus.

Focused Thought Drives Emotion

Why is it that we seek distraction from our emotions? We easily dole out advice such as "just don't think about it." When someone's down, we try to "get them out of the house." Instinct tells us that what we think about makes us feel a certain way.

Emotions are our greatest assistants, though, when it comes to the affairs of the mind. Our emotions are red flags that signal us when things are out of balance. Our emotions help us to become aware of where our mind is focused.

Why is awareness of our mind so important? The mind wanders. It is nearly impossible to hedge in the wanderings of the mind. It moves too quickly and in too many directions.

It is important to be aware of where our mind is focused though, because our focus determines the direction of our life. When our mind is unfocused, we are drifting and disorganized. This lack of focus leads to feelings of stress, frustration and helplessness (which are all red flags to let us know that we need to focus).

The key is this: you have the choice. Pay attention to your emotions, and be willing to feel them. Don't become frustrated with them. Instead, ask the question: what am I thinking and where is my focus?

A Great Prayer

Keep us, O God, from pettiness; let us be large in thought, in word, in deed.

Let us be done with faultfinding and leave off self-seeking.

May we put away all pretenses and meet each other, face to face, without self-pity and without prejudice.

May we never be hasty in judgment and always generous.

Let us take time for all things; make us to grow calm, serene, gentle.

Teach us to put in action our better impulses-straightforward and unafraid.

Grant that we may realize it is the little things of life that create difficulties; that in the big things of life we are as one.

Oh, Lord, let us not forget to be kind.Amen. - Mary Stewart, Queen of Scots