Relationship: The Need to Control

The need to control is something that is ingrained in our psyches from the time that we are born. It is the one human endeavor that is sure to fail, yet it is the one to which we dedicate much of our time, energy and resources.

This is magnified in our relationships. But what is behind this tendency? Why is it that generation after generation programs this characteristic into its children without question and without challenge?

The key is found in the simple fact that most of our relationships are based on fear. In the amazing little book The Mastery of Love, Don Miguel Ruiz asserts that 95% of our relationship is based on fear and only 5% is based on love.

This astounding fact led me to consider the truth of this statement and to ask what is the root of this tree of manipulation that springs up in our relationship and bears fruit of anger, bitterness, hate, shame and guilt?

What I found was life-changing. Disrespect is the root of the human condition of controlling.

I first disrespect myself when I seek to control my life, my circumstances and my efforts. In this case, I fear failure. I fear that I am not enough and that my skills, abilities, aptitudes and efforts are not and will not be enough.

I disrespect my partner when I seek to control him or her. I mistrust (another fruit of fear) him. I don't believe that he has the skills, abilities, and intelligence to make the "right" choices for his life.

I disrespect my co-workers when I seek to control them. This is evident in the workplace by the need for consensus thinking--the need to persuade others to see my perspective. Because I do not believe that I am enough, I need others to affirm my point of view and the reasoning behind my choices.

The root of disrespect is dangerous and never produces happiness, peace and love. Its fruit is rotten, and soon the rot spreads to all parts of our lives.