Solitary Confinement

The other evening, I was in the grocery store after work. As I roamed through the aisles, I saw several gay couples shopping together. And it just hit me--I want that. I was suddenly very aware of my singleness. Now I'm not complaining, because it is the choice I made for this time in my life. But I was still very acutely aware of the sense of "aloneness" at that moment.

But a neat thing happened almost as suddenly. The feeling of being single did not dissipate. It was still there, but I became aware of my control of the situation. I wanted to be in a relationship so badly. I realized how much I want a life-long committed relationship to be my life, and at the same time, I realized that now was not the right timing for me.

But I experienced hope in that moment. Hope for what the future can and will be. And that is exciting. It is encouraging because I've been doing alot of soul-searching recently. I've been thinking alot about what I want in my life and what I want my life to look like.

And I admit, part of me was afraid that I couldn't commit and that what I truly wanted, I could never be stable enough to have. But at the store, in that moment, I experienced a sense of peace that what I truly desire, I will one day have. Just not today. Someday I will be prepared to enter a fulfilling and healthy relationship. Until the time that I am ready and able to make that commitment, I remain in a sort of solitary confinement and dream for the day when I will walk out into freedom.