The Less-Traveled Path

Asking Questions About Sexual Ethics
Ok, a friend recently asked me a question in regards to the "sex before marriage" issue.

I wanted to pose the same question to you, my readers, and hopefully get you thinking.

His question was, "so do you and 'significant other' have any boundaries or guidelines?"

So, I'm asking you. Do you have specific rules you adhere to when it comes to sex/physical affection before marriage?

For example, do you actually have a list of "I won't do X and Y, but Z is ok?" If you have such rules, what is the basis of them?

Have you actually thought through the "whys" of your convictions regarding this issue? If so, what did you learn about yourself as you asked these questions?

Do you develop sexual ethics to help you determine what is right? (For example, respect for yourself and your partner, honesty with yourself and God, accountability to your commitments, etc)

If you have such a personal ethic code what have you based it on? Do you take into account your experiences when processing and addressing this issue?

I know they are alot of questions, but they are some of those that were spawned in my mind after talking to my friend and they're ones that I'm revisiting within the context of a relationship now...and that has obviously helped to inform my thinking.

The Tension between Value-based Living and Regulation
Recently, the same friend asked me, "so, do you have any answers?"

Tough question.

For me, a healthy, yet sometimes uncomfortable tension has developed between the 'rules' or 'boundaries' I would set for myself and the desire to live by a more fundamental ethical code. This idea for me is rooted in the philosophy of Stephen Covey in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. In this book, Mr. Covey emphasizes that the basis of our lives (in business and relationship) should be fundamental principles that do not change with circumstances.

For example, authenticity is always healthy. Honesty can be damaging at times. Now, I'm not playing semantics in relativity with you. And I'm not stating that you should become a liar when honesty doesn't work for you.

What I am stating is that respect for self and others, authenticity, and compassion are some of the fundamental qualities that do not change with circumstance. There is value in living according to an unchanging value system.

The Less-Traveled Path
The primary value that I see is that living by a strong value system spawns the exercise of courage and the growth of character. When you and I decide to live with authenticity, we learn not to compromise. When we embrace compassion, we honor others, yet still act with courage to take action when a strong word or strong action is the compassionate thing to do.

The second benefit I see is the suppression of ego and personal pride. In order to be truly authentic, respect myself and others and honor them, I must choose not to do what is easy or pleasant, but what is right (for self and others). It's a difficult path to tread sometimes, but it's the less-traveled path.